A long good-bye?

So here I am still in the head melting maze that is 'separation'. I went to see my husband's therapist last week (God seeing that in black and white is so weird. When did I become one of those people whose life required a word like that?) Anyway it went better than I expected. He helped me towards an understanding of the mental block my husband is up against when it comes to our marriage. So here I am trying not to put up too many barriers so that we can exist on some sort of friendly level - a neither here nor there - until he can work through his issues. It's horrible, I am not sure how long I can keep it up, well actually I know how long I have to, until 30th June. That is the deadline we have given it. So much for forever, our forever will start or end then. Is a peaceful pact the best? A harmonious environment for him to work out what he wants. Should I be putting on the best show of my life, "Look at me, see, the best wife you could ever want, how could you possibly leave?" Or should I be pulling down the shutters in the knowledge that this is just a really long and painful good-bye?

Spring Days and Old friends.

I have always loved Spring. To feel the days slowly stretching so that we get more than a few precious hours of daylight, hopes of a warm long summer ahead and to see the bouncing yellow headed daffodils, cannot fail to lighten my spirit. And that is how I feel right now - lighter and maybe even a bit brighter. I travelled to London and met an old uni friend on Sunday. We wondered aimlessly around the shops for a couple of hours in the sunshine. It was close to bliss. When you find someone who seems to know yourself better than you it is a rare and wonderful thing. We met on the first day of fresher's week nearly fifteen years ago and were inseparable for four years. Since then we have lived in opposite ends of the world and have probably managed to see eachother every six months or so and yet everytime it seems as though not a day has past. When two souls meet I think they keep having a conversation unbeknown to us forever. Our souls - like swans - they mate for life. I like the idea of my soul having it's own independant etheral life outside of me, it's own social network. I can see it hangin out with all it's soul friends, maintaining it's invisible connections, allowing me to carry on knowing that they are there - my true soul mates, if I need them.

Rules

Alcohol and marriage crisis do not mix.

So went out out for pizza last night with some girlfriends -innocent enough huh? Hmmm I have no idea how a pizza ended up getting me very drunk. O h okay it was proabably the three bottles of wine that accompanied the pizza. Whatever. I vaguely remember my journey home, useless estranged husband was babysitting and I know I ranted at him but have absolutely no recollection of what I said. All I know is that I am still in a rage this morning. I think the alcohol has unleashed the demon in me, I want to kill somebody, preferably my husband! My friends keep telling me that I should go for some therapy, to help me 'unload' and ease my heartache, I think I need an anger management course instead. Perhaps the fact that said useless husband has gone off on a ski trip today with a load of other equally useless male friends has something to do with the burning fury I feel inside. How can he go skiing when his marriage is in crisis? I am thinking such bad thoughts, I wish I had a voodoo doll so I could inflict lots of inexplicable pain on him. I think my broken heart has splintered and started to leak out bitterness, anger and venom. Guess that is what happens when love goes wrong, think I know now what all those songs mean when they say love hurts. It hurts so much my insides feel sore, it hurts so much sometimes I find it hard to breathe, it hurts so much I think I can't live through it, sometimes it just hurts so much.

Poems to last a lifetime

This is a wonderful book compiled by Daisy Goodwin. I hadn't looked at it in months until I picked it up last night. It is packed with poetic gems to get you through every obstacle life might put your way. I am in awe of how poets can sum up an avalanche of emotion in a few select words, explaining and defining life's journey in bite size portions. Some of these poems brought me immense comfort. I am not alone, my heartache is not unique and there is life and more importantly beauty in life, after love.

Acne

Just when you think it can't get any worse. So my marriage is in the dull drums and I have developed 'adult acne'. I'm not just being over dramatic, I have genuinely been diagnosed as having acne - apparently it happens to a small percent of people once they hit their 30's. Great! Super! Lovely! Husband has left and spots have arrived to keep me company. Maybe it's from all the crying, maybe I am allergic to my own tears? What's next a frigg'in moustache? All dear friends keep telling me you wouldn't really notice them (my inch of foundation might have something to do with that) but in kinda the same way Heather Mill's friends (if she actually has any) probably tell her you don't really notice her false leg. Kind - but total liers. So I am on antibiotics from today and have ointment that I have to keep in the fridge. Lets hope it works. I could really do without these ugly red invaders my self-esteem is taking enough of a battering due to the conspicuous lack of husband by my side these days!

Spotty unwifed

Bells..

The bells are ringing - no I am not going mad - it's the church behind my house, just means it is 2pm and I have to be quick cause I put toddler in the car with promises of going swimming only for him to fall asleep so thought I would catch a few quick cyber moments. Is it a genetic make-up that makes me feel guilty about doing this instead of folding some washing?

Anyhoo it is day 42 since I heard the fatal words 'separation' from my husband and I had to fess up to my neighbour about the lack of husbandly presence lately. I thought it went quite well. I was composed for the most part, with only the occassional strangley voice and annoying tear in the corner of my eye. Little hurdles, each and every one, just another hurdle in my journey out of the comfortable and protective surrounds of marriage.

I better go incase he wakes and I get rumbled and the bells are going to ring again in a minute which means it must be 2.15pm. I feel like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland but I better go, I better go or else I will be late.