Friday, 4 December 2009
A letter to my sixteen year old self
Dear me,
Don't worry about what others think so much, especially the supposedly 'cool' girls at school. You will find out they are not that cool. Don't worry about what boys think either, they are just as scared as you underneath. It is more important to be loved by your friends and family, they will stick by you for the rest of your life and you will discover that is priceless. Be true to yourself. Don't be afraid to make mistakes but be brave enough to admit it when you do. Start writing now and believe in your dreams, only you can make them come true. Have confidence in yourself, don't let others put you off by their interpretations of what life is. Practice compassion with yourself and with others, it is a strength not a weakness. Nothing worth doing is ever easy, so if it is hard, it is probably worth it. You are young - enjoy it, you have a great adventure ahead of you. Do it, take a great big bite, it is there for the taking, no one is going to hand it you on a plate.
Lots of love 33 year old me. x
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Neither up nor down!
Monday, 2 November 2009
Sentimental birthdays
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
GHOSTS OF SUMMER PAST
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
I won!!
Saturday, 26 September 2009
BLOG TIME
Monday, 21 September 2009
Happy Holidays
Monday, 7 September 2009
Biting Bullets!
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
A good walk ruined!
Monday, 31 August 2009
BABIES
Our son was an accident, a glorious unplanned wonder, fate stepped in and decided it was our time long before we knew it. We were barely three months married; children were something in the hazy out-of-focus future. I hate to say that I was dismayed, distraught even, the day the pregnancy line turned blue. I thought I was too young, I thought our marriage was too new and weak to withstand the rigors of parenthood so soon. And then nine months later he arrived. Strong and screaming and full of fight. I instantly loved him, suddenly three seemed such a better number than two. He has been the lynchpin in keeping our marriage together when it has felt tortured beyond physical limits, a ray of shining light in the darkest of times.
My baby is now on the cusp of turning three, a mini-man, his own little person, straining at the ropes of my motherhood for independence. We would love another, a brother or a sister for him to call his own. But fate is not working in our favour anymore, a baby still so new that it’s presence was a secret in the world was taken away from me last December and since that there has been nothing. To experience the flip side of life is tough, my heart and mind struggle with the extremes of it. The door of motherhood has been opened to me and I have seen the treasures that lie beyond and can’t help but want more. I am so grateful and blessed for what I have but there is space in my heart for another, I hope I get the chance to fill it.
SWIMMING POOLS
Went to the local leisureplex this morning with my son. We have been a few times before but I am afraid I am a bit squeamish about public pools so it would not be a regular haunt. As I lowered myself into the bath water temperature I tried not to let my mind detail to how many bugs this must be heaven or the number of kids doing a wee at any given point.
My normal childcare was not available which is why I found myself with a bouncing son and a morning with which to occupy him and distract him from trashing the house. What amazed me was the amount of parents, especially Dads, who were decked out in swimming togs and present for the swimming pleasure of their little ones. It was like lice coming out of the woodwork, but with fewer legs. I don’t mean they looked like lice (though that is something else you can probably pick up from a public pool!) but a whole community of people somewhere where you didn’t realize there was any before.
So there I was in desperate need of a bikini wax, sucking in my stomach and hoping that if someone did a poll I would squeeze into the vaguely glamorous mums category. As I watched the hundred of stories going on around me, each parent laughing and playing with their charge I thought the world is not so bad, the world is not so dysfunctional, the world is full of good people just trying to be the best parents they can be. It’s a hell of a job description.
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Till Death Do Us Part
My husband was nearly drowned last weekend. Now, as you will know there may have been times in the past year when this might not have been such badly received news. But that was then. Here we are now, with bridges repaired and hearts patched up. I don’t want him to die, for many reasons:
He is the father of my son (and a great one too),
I am too young to be a widow,
I want to have more of his children,
I can’t pay the mortgage on my own,
I really like him and think part of me might die too.
He was lucky, others don’t get the chance to be. It was just one moment, one moment when the bravery of a friend and a guardian angel said, "Not yet. It is not his time. Let him go". In his struggle and fight to stay afloat in the choppy waters and climb out to solid safety he lost his wedding ring. The irony is not lost on me considering recent events. The symbol of a promise made, blessed in faith and hope. A reminder of a day that was. Gone forever. But a ring would never bring me comfort, the symbol is gone but I am thankful to still have the man. Thankful that the sea tossed him back to safety deciding it didn’t need one more human life that day.
Thursday, 20 August 2009
The Wrong Shoes
Thursday, 13 August 2009
Gossip Gossip
Monday, 10 August 2009
GROWING PAINS
Today there was no grass just sand, miles of beautiful golden sand and sunshine – actual sunshine on the north coast! You gleefully stripped down to bareness to run through the waves. Splashing and smiling, your cup running over. What a simple, special pleasure to watch my healthy, strong and wondrous little boy. With wind in our hair and sun on our backs, I thought, I never want to be anywhere but here, in this moment forever.
Thursday, 6 August 2009
CLOCKS
Sometimes I feel like the rabbit in Alison in Wonderland, running endlessly trying to catch up with time. So I stay up later, get up earlier, try to squeeze the most out of everyday. I am a time-junkie always wanting that little bit more: then I will write that book, read more, exercise, phone my friends more, do a cookery class, I will lounge back on my sofa and learn a new poem everyday. Internal clocks tick too chiming down my mother years. Time is cruel. It plays trick or treat with your life, you never know time’s trump card, never get to know the balance of your own account.
Tuesday, 4 August 2009
Rough Edges
I suppose that over the years it is hoped you rub the rough edges off one another, you grate together long enough to sand off the corners, leaving only smooth curves for the waves of time to wash over. Time. Time sprints past in pairs.
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
FRIENDS
A few of them are understandably cool towards the arrival of my husband back into the family fold. They had to watch my pain, see my face crinkle into uncontrollable tears, the sparkle and life snuffed out. To stand on the sidelines and see the one they love hurt has hardened and changed how they feel about him. With backs arched, claws out, teeth barred, they sense danger and want to protect their little one. I understand. If it were the other way, I would be the same. My newer friends, the ones I have gladly picked up along the path of marriage and motherhood have found it easier to find forgiveness. They did not see me dressed in silk and lace at the altar, fresh faced and young, full of hope and love offering up my dreams for him to hold. They have not been on the whole journey.
I tell of how he has changed his ways, become a better man, put wrongs to right. Their eyes and silence speak a million words. They have little faith left in my man and want me to stay out of harm’s way – his way. I hope he will prove to them in time that he is an honourable man that has made mistakes, but is worthy of a second chance. Life is too short to hold the broken pieces and sharp edges of disappointment next your heart. If he fails… God help him, they hunt in a pack.
Thursday, 23 July 2009
Summer Lovin'
These days you make me roar with laughter and I think my heart might burst right through my chest with pride in you. I want to keep you close, so close, wrapped in my mother love, but I cannot. You are not my baby anymore but a soldier, marching with strength and power into your own world of independence. I have started to need you more than you need me. So I will let go, loosen out the cord but just a little, just a fraction. I will give you the freedom your adventure heart desires because I know there is plenty more time for mother love ahead. I will take a step back but I will always be within reach.
Saturday, 20 June 2009
Love and madness
Friday, 24 April 2009
How are you?
Sunday, 19 April 2009
Heavy Heart
Sunday, 29 March 2009
A long good-bye?
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
Spring Days and Old friends.
Monday, 9 March 2009
Friday, 6 March 2009
Alcohol and marriage crisis do not mix.
Thursday, 26 February 2009
Poems to last a lifetime
Thursday, 19 February 2009
Acne
Spotty unwifed
Friday, 13 February 2009
Bells..
Anyhoo it is day 42 since I heard the fatal words 'separation' from my husband and I had to fess up to my neighbour about the lack of husbandly presence lately. I thought it went quite well. I was composed for the most part, with only the occassional strangley voice and annoying tear in the corner of my eye. Little hurdles, each and every one, just another hurdle in my journey out of the comfortable and protective surrounds of marriage.
I better go incase he wakes and I get rumbled and the bells are going to ring again in a minute which means it must be 2.15pm. I feel like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland but I better go, I better go or else I will be late.
Thursday, 12 February 2009
When the tough gets going..
These days a broken marriage is nothing new, but I never thought mine would be one of the casulties. Only 3 years down the line of a supposed lifetime together we are fatally wounded. Some men just aren't meant to be married, unfortunately some poor woman has to marry them first in order to find that out. I think I have been one of them.
I take each day at a time, I am a modern woman in a modern dilemma. I focus on the day the hurt starts to fade and the nightmare looks like ending, my marriage is broken but I am not.
I'll keep you posted on how I get on.
Non-wife.